[Private, hackable]
It's weird. I think I'm getting used to losing people... I'm getting over it so much more easily than I used to, but somehow that makes me sad.

But I'm okay. I'll manage somehow.  I always manage to brighten up when it's not on my mind...

If nothing else, at least I finally have some peace and quiet.
[/Private]

*Subaru has been gone without a word for hours. Once again, she's out at the beach at night.*

[Private; hackable]
Nanoha, Fate, Vivio... They're gone... I'm the only one here now. I'm not sure what to think... I... I guess I'm glad they don't have to be separated again, but... I wish even one of them were still here. Then I wouldn't feel so alone.

I feel like it's always me. Heather, Agrias... Nanoha's done this twice now... but Fate... every time she was here to help me. It's weird... I think we were closer here than we ever were at home... why is it always me who's still here? Why can't I go home yet?
[/private]

*Carrying through the distance of the quiet wilderness comes a shrill scream and a nigh thunderous crashing as she begins to beat out her frustration on what was before a rather large rock*

((1% stocked memories spent on details of her relation to Fate Testarossa; 2% remaining))

((OoC: Subaru's power is mind reading.  She will read surface thoughts of characters involuntarily if they are within 20' of her.  Line of sight is required to identify who the source of the thought is.  If characters speak with her in person rather than in the journals, please include their thoughts during the duration of the event.  If you would like to have Subaru pick up random thoughts for the hell of it, go right ahead.  She is presently in the woods avoiding people.))

[Private; hackable]
I had a pretty bad morning.  When I woke up, it was so noisy.  It was like being in a crowd, but there was no one around but Erk, and he was asleep.

I panicked.  It wasn't even until I got out to the woods, and it was finally quiet, that I realized it was more like everyone was sending me messages with telepathy, and I couldn't block it out.  What's going on?

I feel a lot better here by myself... at least I've calmed down...



The other day, I was, well, indirectly, talking about Heather.  I still miss her, and right now thinking about her when I'm... um, a little upset and unsettled I guess? ... it brings back some sting and ... makes me realize it is kinda lonely out here in the woods, but, when I was talking about her, I was smiling the entire time.  A real smile, too.

I can't just stay here.  I rushed out without a thing I would need to do that.  I don't even own a sleeping bag.  What am I gonna do...?
[/Private]

I had a really weird dream last night.  There was like... a moving statue.  I guess it was a golem?  But it was a mint chocolate chip ice cream golem, but it was kinda shaped like... umm... and I ended up licking it, and at some point, it became strawberry or something and started chasing around Erk.  Do dreams really have meanings?  I don't know... what would a dream like that mean anyway?

... whatever.  I'm calling in sick today.  I need some time to straighten out... something on my mind.

Hmmm...

... Hmmm...

Hmmm.

I wonder what I should make for the cooking contest.  I mean, the prize is pretty cool, right?  It'd be nice to win.

I wonder who the judges are going to be... maybe I could--Oh jeez, listen to me.  Wouldn't that be kinda like cheating?  Guess I can't do that.  Oh well.

So it's weird.  I don't know why I got back what I did, because I can't shake the feeling it isn't mine.  I mean, I don't need a motorcycle when I've got my buddy, Mach Caliber with me.

In fact, I think it might have belonged to Tea, who I remembered something about.  Yep, I remembered the first time we met.   We were room mates during training with the TSAB.

Until now I didn't remember it, but she's actually older than me by a year.  I think it's fitting.  In fact, she's so grumpy and scary sometimes it's like she's WAY older than me, but she's really nice on the inside.

[Filtered to Erk]
Hey, umm... I kinda want to become a better dancer...

((1% on meeting Teana Lanster))

A ball, huh?  I wonder if I should go.  It sure seems like they're encouraging us to.

But I can't really dance.  Well, there was that one time.

[Private; hackable]

Hehe, I remember dancing with Heather.  Even though it makes me feel a little sad inside, I'm happy it happened.  But I don't know how to dance.  She was the one who knew what we were doing, so... I don't really know if I can go to a dance by myself, and I'm not sure I want to, but then again, memories.
[/Hackable]

[Filtered to Fate]
Fate!  You should go to the ball with Nanoha.

So, did anyone else change this week?  If you ask me, I think all this stuff lately seemed like pretty harmless fun.

I'm going to go buy some flowers today.  Does anyone know a good florist?

By the way, the One Electronic is gone now... I think he did something great by putting that monumet there.  Someone should take up that work, right?

Huh, there's a lot of funny stuff going on lately, huh?  It looks like fun at least.  I wonder what I looked like when I was a kid, or what I'll look like when I grow up more.  Who knows, maybe I'll get to find out.

Speaking of growing up, Taiga?  How are you?  Are you eating alright?  You need to eat well or you won't grow up properly~

Oh, and Erk, thanks again for finding my journal!

Taiiigaaa, how are you?  You should come see me~  I made brownies.

In fact, I made a lot of brownies, so if you want some, just come by knock.  Oh, well, try and do it like maybe in the early evening?  Not too late.  I don't live alone, you know.

[Private; Hackable]
... I'm feeling just a bit better than before even lately, but I'm not sure... am I feeling better, really?  Or am I just getting more used to it...?

I want to say it doesn't matter, but when I think about it, the idea of being less lonely because you're more used to being lonely is sad.

[Private; hackable]

... things are slowly getting better, or at least they were.  I don't know.  I feel stuck in the middle of nowhere now.

I think I put it well when Erk asked how I am... I'm lonely when I think about Heather... and I think about her a lot.

I never had to work at being happy.  Lately all I can do is be just a little happy, and that's only when I can keep my mind off of Heather.  But that's a little better than before... right?

... and also... without Heather around, sometimes I find myself wanting to... wait, someone might be able to read this!

[Still private; A little harder to hack]
... I have, um... hungers I never used to, and my heart just feels heavier.  I feel more guarded ever since she left.  It's the same feeling as when you're fighting, but you're afraid to fight... you get slow, your body feels a size too small for heart, throwing everything off... and at the same time, I feel like I have more 'life experience' or something, I guess...

... but that doesn't make me happier either.

I guess I feel a little bit older.  ... I wonder if that's how it is...

ATTENTION MY HAREM--

Wait, what happened?  I totally had a harem for a while like mive months ago or something!  *checks the list* Man, like at least half of them have left.  And the other half is flat chested.  Why did I even let them in?

OH WHATEVER.  GIRLS, I HAVE MASSAGE OIL TWISTER~<3

*After being stuck inside a room for a week, huddling for warmth, well... Subaru felt like two things: one was she felt like going outside, and the other was even in the middle of the night, it didn't feel very cold right now compared to before.*

*She sat out at the beach on the sand, looking at the stars and listening to the sound of the sea.  It made her feel small, and insignificant, but just a little bit, it made her problems feel that way too.  No matter how much things had changed for her, the world didn't care.  It was always the same for it.*

*That didn't really make her feel any better though.  She still wanted to just go home already.  Lately, she felt like she was just counting the days until she got to leave.*

*Absent mindedly, she tried to skip rocks.  It was pretty hard to do on moving water, though.*

*For a moment, she wondered which was wider: the sky,or the sea.*

((OoC note: This is forward dated to next Friday))

[Private;easily hackable]

... it's not even just Heather.  Sanaki's gone too?

Heather, Sanaki... Nanoha...

... it really is so unfair.  I ... hate it.  I won't accept this!  I don't want to accept this!  I... I...

I don't have a choice... do I?

I miss the people who leave here... I miss the people back home... What's the point?  Why are we here?  Why do we have to deal with this?  I just want to forget all about everyone I've lost.  Just take my memories away again already!

... but thinking about not remembering any of it again just seems even sadder.

I just know... I'm never going to see Heather again... but I wanna see Heather...

I wanna see Nanoha... I wanna see Ginga... I wanna see Teana...

... I'm... I'm sorry to anyone I might leave behind... but...

... I just want to go home already.

Huh, I can't find my own name.  I wonder what it means...

*Subaru is sitting around outside on the grass, near some flowers, reading a rather thick and not picture looking book: a name dictionary.  She is also wearing her barrier jacket for the first time in weeks, finally having 'found' it'*

*absent mindedly, she's writing a list of names her journal*

Alina
Ava
(Re)becca
Hailey
Aiyana

*the list keeps growing*

*slowly waking up and rubbing her eyes* Scruffles...  Scruffles?  Can you fetch my slippers...?

*Scruffles, her dog, comes over to Subaru and jumps onto the bed, holding a comic and a tattered 'to/from' tag in her mouth.  The tag once read 'to Agrias, from Renge' but now only Agrias' name is legible.*

... um, I don't think these are my slippers... what is this...?

*Subaru takes the comic and begins to read a story about a knight and her princess, both of whom look very familiar until at one point she turns a page and blushes brightly*

EH!?!

[Private; hackable]
Nanoha's gone...

... I... sort of remember something.  I was really young, and there was this big fire.  I got separated from my sister at some point and... and... I was crying alone in a burning building...

... there was this tall statue of a woman there and... I guess maybe the stone was starting to crumble from the heat or something... I don't really know, but it started falling down towards me and... then everything goes blank.  Maybe I lost consciousness?  It couldn't have hit me though... there's no way I could've lived if it fell on me.  Have I just not remembered yet?  Or can I not remember?  Maybe it's trauma...

... the next thing I remember is waking up in a hospital the next day.  I was okay really, and... and so was my sister... and all I remember was that I knew I was saved by someone in the TSAB... Takamachi Nanoha.

... I don't know why, but something in me changed then.  She became my hero... I wanted to be just like her...

... *sniffle* I shouldn't be sad... it's not like she's dead.  Heroes never die... and she's gone home... where she can keep protecting people...

... I think I kind of understand how Agrias feels now, maybe.  I mean, I don't remember anything I really need to be doing back home right now, but... are there people I should be protecting elsewhere?  ... yes.... no...

... maybe?

... it's not like someone else probably  isn't doing my job my for me.  I do meaningful things here, don't I?  ... I work at a school... isn't that good...?
[/Private]

Everyone, thank you for the gifts.  I'm sorry I don't sound more grateful right now, I am...

... I just have some stuff on my mind...

((2% on Takamachi Nanoha and the fire when she was a child; 3% remaining))

*Subaru is crying happy tears* Oh, I'm so relieved... I remembered something great... my sister is okay!  In fact, umm... it's weird 'cause there are gaps in my memory, but the people who kidnapped her...

... who I was fighting... um, sorta ended up being adopted into my family or something?  I didn't see that coming... it's really strange to think about how it might have happened, but, it makes sense to me.  Ginga was teaching them about a lot of stuff too, or something.

WOAH!  That means I have like ... a half dozen adopted sisters!?  Are they like little sisters or big sisters or... maybe they vary from each one... this is so weird to think about...

... it's kinda happy though.

... wait, I don't remember owning these clothes...

(1% on the rest of her fight with Ginga, 1% on post StrikerS Ginga, 1% on post StrikerS numbers, 1% on transformation sequence)

((Subaru's barrier jacket has turned back into her military uniform; she remembers how to transform now, but not especially that she can do it.  Mach Caliber could point it out at some point maybe, so now she's in her room looking for her barrier jacket, making a mess))

It's the most wonderful tiiime of the yeaaaar~~ Aww man, isn't it so pretty outside? Fate, you should make snow again for Christmas! That would be so great! We could all bundle up in warm clothes and drink cider and sing songs. Pleasepleaseplease? Doesn't that like fun everyone? And Erk! Let's set up a Christmas tree~

Oh, and hey, Heather, what are you measurements?

[Private, hackable to Santa (and anyone really) ]
Dear Santa, I think I've been a good girl this year, but you'll be the judge of that, right? Aaanyway, here's my wish list.

Rubber duckie
Legos
Big stuffed animal ... bunny? BIG mokona plushie
Some photo books or like pictures books too are fun
Bean bag chair
Water bed
Pictures of my family
A letter from Ginga
You to deliver a letter home for me

I know we're like stuck in some alternate dimension, but I believe in you, Santa! I'll make sure to leave out the milk and cookies for you, and be a good girl and not even try to catch you coming into my house this year.

Guys, aren't those pilgrims so cute? Just like out of a fairy tale or something. And they gave me this gift, isn't that great? I should open it.

AAAH OH MY GOD G-G-GUYS, DRAGON!! THEY GAVE ME A DRAGON'S HEAD...!!

Oh god it's severed... and... and... fresh... *wibble*

[Filtered to Heather]
Hey, Heather, just now I realized, I have no idea how Erk and Agrias got together, and was wondering, do you know?[/Filter]

[Filtered away from Shampoo]

Eep. I just realized that that long blue haired Shampoo girl works in the school cafeteria with me. I hope she doesn't recognize me ...